Do you Even Know What it Takes to Make Your Relationship Last Long?
Every long term happy marriage has secrets to their success and what has kept them together.
While some couples enter their marriage relationship with starry eyes and rosy glasses, others enter with a bleakly realistic fear:
“What if our marriage falls apart? What if we don’t have what it takes to stick it out?”
With marriage relationships falling apart left and right and warm and devoted marriages disintegrating before our very eyes, we need words of advice, guidance, and strength.
We need to gain skills for endurance and going the distance.
What makes the difference? What helps some people weather the storms of life and stay strong long term?
Ever wondered – what are the secrets to a long-lasting relationship?
In this post, we will examine some important life lessons for building long-lasting marriage relationships.
Let’s have a look at twelve of the best things people (including myself – 34 years of marriage) who have stayed together for the longest share as perhaps, some of the secrets to their long-lasting relationships.
Let’s explore some great advice for a strong, happy, and enduring relationship.
Sherry Turkle explains that smartphones, computers, and technology have taken the place of much-needed personal conversation that is so vital to healthy relationships.
we can be sucked into the trend to outsource our thinking, our information storage, and recall, our memories, our information processing, and our philosophy to digital devices.
In fact, instead of taking time to fully digest our multi-sensory experiences with our spouse, we often short-change the experience by focusing only on taking a picture to later post on social media.
Instead of using our own minds to store, process, and retrieve our memories about our spouses,
we rely on the crutch of social media to remind us of memories and anniversaries.
Similarly, instead of spending time conversing about our day, developing new hobbies together,
or responding to one another’s bid for attention, we spend time scrolling endlessly through social media feeds or online news and shopping.
The writer of Ecclesiastes, despite his tone of darkness and despair, had a lot to say about the importance of treasuring each and every moment that God gives us here on earth.
He often reminded readers that life is uncertain; tragedy and calamities come, and death is sure.
In light of this, he advised, alternatively to,
“Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun–all your meaningless days.
For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun.”
Ecclesiastes advised his audience to treasure the simple pleasures of daily life.
Don’t allow the marvels of a smiling face, a fading sunset, or a nuanced expression of tenderness be lost under a pile of addictive, stressful, and never-ending tweets, likes, comments, and headlines.
Sherry Turkle suggests creating “sacred spaces—the living room, the dining room, the kitchen, the car—that are device-free.”
However, you choose to apply this principle, remember that boundaries on technology are a very important part of a relationship that can go the distance.
#2. Be Prepared For Difficulty
It is important to understand that marriage may not be easy.
Jesus says that “in this world, you will have tribulation.”
Hebrews 10:36 says, “So do not throw away your confidence; it holds a great reward.”
Although you prepare for the worst, you must enter your marriage relationship with hope, confidence, optimism, and the power of imagination.
Paul Tripp says that the spiritual “power of imagination” is the confidence that allows us to envision leaves, flowers, and fruit on a dry, dead, winter tree.
The power of imagination allows us to dream of business goals that we later make a reality.
Similarly, the power of imagination helps us see that no matter the current or pending difficulty, God is always at work in our spouse’s life.
Even in times of difficulty, we can work on “believing that anything is possible with the work of God.” (Pastor H, Kansas)
Tim Keller in his renowned book “The meaning of Marriage” encourages spouses to use their spiritual imagination to get excited about what God is doing in their partner’s life.
He says, “Look at another person and get a glimpse of what God is creating, and to say,
‘I see who God is making you, and it excites me! I want to be part of that. I want to partner with you and God in the journey you are taking to His throne.’
And when we get there, I will look at your magnificence and say, “I always knew you could be like this.
Always approach your marriage with hope in the fact that God is; “able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us.” -Ephesians 3:20
#4. Practice Steadfast (Hesed) Love
Make Jesus Christ, the first and last and best in everything.
Throughout the Bible, God refers to His love for His people as “hesed.”
Hesed love means love, loyalty, or steadfast mercy.
It refers to a covenant love that never, ever gives up on the beloved.
Paul Miller says that “Hesed is one-way love.
It encompasses love commitment without an exit strategy.
When you love with hesed love, you bind yourself to the object of your love no matter what the response is…” (The Loving Life by Paul Miller)
Hesed love is the type of love that will keep your relationship going for the long term.
#5. Find And Stay With A Congregation That Will Support You
You need a strong body of genuine believers that will come alongside and help you through those tough patches.
They will help you see blind spots, guide you in times of difficulty, and encourage you when times are tough.
The body of Christ provides accountability and helps keep you on track with your relationship with your spouse and with God.
Hebrews 10:24-25 says, “Let us not neglect meeting together, as some have made a habit, but let us encourage one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”
Spiritual fellowship helps you avoid placing all your emotional weight on your spouse, which creates an impossible burden to bear.
Find solace in friends, mentors, accountability partners, pastors, and teachers.
The Body of Christ is an important key to developing courage and perseverance for the long haul.
#6. Develop Relationships With Older Mentors
Proverbs 27:10 says, “Never abandon a friend— either yours or your father’s.”
This verse implies that we gain strength and wisdom from learning to know people our own age and our parents’ age.
Seek out an older couple who has an exemplary, happy, and long marriage and explore what has kept them together.
Ask them to share with you the secrets of how to stay strong long term.
Learn from their marriage advice and wisdom and follow their example.
They may even be able to give you practical advice for the specialized situations you experience with your spouse.
#7. Don’t Ignore Your Spouse’s “Bids” For Attention
In his book, Reconnect, Steve Call, Ph.D. says that couples are constantly sending out “bids” for attention.
Like a slight nose-scratch or cough from a bidder at an auction, some of these bids are subtle and hard to notice.
Nonetheless, spouses are constantly asking one another for connection in small ways.
For example, if they hint at going out to eat, taking a walk, chatting about the day, or playing a board game,
make sure you don’t brush off this small invitation.
Notice their “bid” for attention and respond with kindness.
By any chance, if you’re not available right then, make sure you schedule another time when the two of you could connect.
If you make a habit of dismissing or ignoring your spouse’s bids, she or he may stop asking, and your relationship will suffer.
#8. Focus On “Crock Pot Relationships” Instead Of “Instant Microwave Relationships.”
In our culture of instant availability, it’s easy to assume that following a few steps, pressing a few buttons, and learning a few “hacks” can help you develop a successful marriage.
However, relationships are one thing that never develops instantly.
No matter how quickly you may have fallen in love, “love at first sight” doesn’t ensure that your relationship will progress easily and automatically.
Mike Bechtle says, “There are no shortcuts to maturity.
There are no shortcuts to healthy relationships. Maturity takes time.”
#9. Face Shame And Contempt Head On
According to Dan Allender, “a loyal commitment to a zero-contempt relationship” is one of the most critical elements in any marriage.
Especially when there has been vulnerability or hurt in the life of one spouse, a no-contempt rule is critical.
Dan Allender goes on, “No matter the issue, no matter its importance, contempt must be viewed as dangerous as lighting a match to look into a gas tank.”
In order to understand contempt, we need to also examine the shame in our lives.
Shame is the fear of disconnection and abandonment that stems from our belief about who we are as a person.
When we feel shame, we often turn to contempt to distract us from those feelings of abandonment and disconnection.
Instead of learning to feel secure in our identity, we blame someone near us or show contempt for ourselves.
#10. Don’t Allow Conflicts To Gridlock
The Gottman Institute provides excellent food for thought when it says that in some conflicts,
resolution is not necessarily possible in the way we traditionally think of it.
Solvable conflicts are simple logistical challenges or differences of opinion that can be fixed by discussing them.
Unsolvable problems, however, are clashes between personalities or values that will come up over and over ago and will never truly go away.
Some couples work endlessly to try to solve these problems, running themselves into corners, becoming defensive, being angry, or shutting down.
John Gottman, Ph.D suggests approaching these issues with continuing dialogue.
He recommends “humor, affection, and even amusement, to actively cope with the unresolvable problems,
You may think that all of life is going to be an upward of success and victory.
However, Jesus calls us to the life of death, self-sacrifice, and love that he demonstrated while he was on earth.
Ephesians 5 specifically says that husbands are called love with self-sacrificial, dying love.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” Ephesians 5:25
In his book, J-Curve, Paul Miller emphasizes that dying with Christ is a big part of life.
We admire Jesus’ sacrificial love so much that we actually re-enact it daily.
Practice sacrificial love that is enveloped in the mutual respect that promotes your shared values.
This is a great virtue that can serve as a bedrock of any relationship.
Respect is the bedrock of any solid relationship. It’s impossible for any relationship to thrive without RESPECT.
Like the residents of Medicine Lodge, Kansas, who re-enact a historic peace treaty in a monumental pageant every three years, we are called to re-enact Jesus’ life of sacrificial love—not every three years, but every day.
“When you realize that death is at the center of love, it is quietly liberating.
Instead of fighting the death that comes with love, you embrace what your Father has given you. A tiny resurrection begins in your heart.”—Paul Miller
Intimacy should be emotional, mental, and physical closeness and not just sexual.
You must always make time to connect intimately.
This type of intimacy is a feeling that is much more deeper and solid than a romantic feeling. This is one marriage advice all couples in long term relationships agree to be one of their secrets.
Whether your marriage is hanging by a thread or healthy and strong, The Love Dare is a journey you need to take. You will learn the keys to finding true intimacy and developing a dynamic marriage.
#12. Regain Perspective As A Couple
When you start your marriage, it is important to create habits and rituals of connection.
Take time to regain perspective as a couple!
It’s important to think through your schedules, priorities, weekly events, and check-ins.
However, it is equally important to reevaluate those goals, rituals, and habits often as the years pass.
Don’t just get into a habit and continue with it for 20 years without taking a step back to see if those routines are still necessary.
Periodically review your goals, values, habits, and customs.
See if these rituals are working for you and evaluate whether you should change them or add new ones.
Although routines are important, ruts are not always helpful.
Make sure to check in from time to time to make sure you are still on the same page.
Life isn’t easy, and marriage is not for the faint of heart.
With these proven secrets to a long-lasting marriage relationship under your belt, you will gain the perspective, courage, and endurance that you need.
They will help you learn how to stay strong and intentional and long-term in your “Kingdom Marriage“.
Secrets To A Long Marriage Relationship: Words To Live By Everyday:
You can post these words where you can see them often.
Remembering them will help you and your partner to maintain a happy marriage that can withstand the most associated challenges.
-PATIENCE.
-UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
-FORGIVENESS
-KINDNESS.
-PERSEVERANCE.
-RELENTLESS.
-INTENTIONAL.
-MOTIVATED.
-COMPASSION.
-INTIMACY.
-GRATEFUL.
-MERCY.
-GRACE.
-MEEKNESS.
-COURAGE.
-HONESTY.
-RESPECT.
-TRUST.
-EMPATHY.
-FOCUSED.
-POSITIVE EMOTIONS.
As Always, Just hang on tight. Do Your best and leave the rest to a Faithful God. STAY BLESSED……
You may have seen the catch phrase, “It’s the small moments that make life big,” plastered in a sentimental scrapbook or posted beside a baby photo on social media.
But have you ever taken the time to think carefully about the truth behind this statement?
We often work, labor, and stress to achieve the great moments: a vacation, a college degree, or a great milestone.
But we don’t often take the time to realize that each and everyday experience with our friends, spouses, and children are the stuff of life.
It takes more than just love to keep any relationship, especially a marriage relationship, strong and healthy.
Without the little gestures and consistent, persistent prayers, the big achievements will have no significance.
Click here for the enchanted 4-sentence prayer can give you boundless blessings in 7 days! Transformational!
Be spontaneous. Avoid being predictable.
Here are some small steps and gestures you can try every day and often to show your spouse that you love them.
These small gestures can save your marriage relationship.
They are simple and practicable.
Moreover, these gestures don’t take a lot of time or money.
Some of them will take just a second or two of your time.
It’s simple, painless, and a free way to improve your quality of life and your marriage relationship.
Show that you are truly happy to see him or her.
Take the time to smile. It’s one of the small gestures that matter.
2. Say Thank You
A married couple with nearly forty years of experience shares that one of the most meaningful small things/gestures in their marriage was thankfulness.
The husband thanked his wife for daily chores and small tasks she performed for the family.
Daily, he thanked her for the delicious meals she created.
By example, he taught their children to cultivate a habit of thankfulness.
Saying thank you is another example of small things that make a big difference in any relationship.
Often we get too comfortable in a marriage relationship and start taking small things like saying thank you or showing gratitude for granted.
3. Ask Questions
Engage your spouse in meaningful conversations.
Show you care by asking about their day.
Do a simple online search for conversation starters for couples, then bring those questions into your daily life.
Don’t just rotate in the same ruts that you’ve always used.
Try to bring in new topics of conversation and learn something new about your spouse every day.
Pack a special food item in your spouse’s lunch box or show up at his or her work with chocolates or flowers.
Why not try tucking a love note into a lunch box, in a drawer, under a pillow, or even in your spouse’s shoes?
Listen to your spouse’s conversation and try to tune in to the small nuances that provide clues to the things they like and dislike.
Then surprise them with a small gift “just because.”
It will bring a smile to your loved one’s face and help sustain your marriage relationship.
5. Love Texts Can transform a marriage relationship
Sometimes the most powerful small things include showing that someone remembers you.
Show your spouse you are thinking of him or her by sending him a love note or prayer by text!
Send him or her a message during the day, letting them know you are thinking of them and praying for them.
Remember the events that your spouse has scheduled for the day and ask how those things are going.
Colossians 3:12 says, “Clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.”
Showing your partner you are thinking of him or her is a way to demonstrate kindness and gentleness to one another.
6. Simple Touch
Simple touch means a brief, playful touch that brings connection.
Pat their shoulder, caress their hair, do a special handshake, or give a brief kiss or hug.
Do these rituals every day to enrich your life and your marriage.
Reach out and make the first move.
Show your spouse you care and want to connect.
Show you care. Every touch shouldn’t be for sex.
7. Create Daily Rituals
Every relationship should have rhythms and patterns of connection. These patterns lend stability to relationships.
Check in every morning over coffee. Hold hands and pray. Call each other at lunch time and check in.
Have special and specific times off social media and other devices. This is big one these days!
Take time each week to go over that week’s schedule and pray together over your week.
Daily bible based devotions together are great!!
A family that prays together stays together, they say.
Doing your rituals on a regular, recurring basis will help you and your spouse feel safe.
Becky Bailey calls these rituals of connection, “I Love You Rituals.”
She says that I Love You Rituals contain four ingredients: playfulness, simple touch, presence, and gentle eye contact.
While most of her I Love You Rituals are geared for adults connecting with children, partners can similarly incorporate the same principles into their interactions with one another.
Are you truly present with your spouse during that quick kiss?
Do you touch them gently, look fondly into their eyes, and express playfulness and joy?
It’s the little things that matter.
8. Respond to Your Spouse’s “Bids”
Steve Call says that couples are constantly sending out “bids” for attention.
Like a slight nose-scratch or cough from a bidder at an auction, some of these bids are subtle and hard to notice.
Nonetheless, spouses are constantly asking one another for connection in small ways.
It’s important to notice and respond positively to your spouse’s bid for attention.
If they hint at going out to eat, taking a walk, chatting about the day, or playing a board game, make sure you don’t brush off this small invitation.
Notice their “bid” for attention and respond with kindness.
If you’re not available right then, then make sure you schedule another time when the two of you could connect.
If you make a habit of dismissing or ignoring your spouse’s bids, she or he may stop asking, and your relationship will suffer.
9. Give Them Wildflowers
How about finding a small bouquet of lovely sweet peas, daisies, trumpet vine, or daffodils?
Wildflowers are a small but significant way to add beauty and love to your spouse’s life.
Even if not expensive, a small gesture like this shows your spouse that you took time and effort to show them that you love them.
Wildflowers is another example of small things that matter.
What are other things you think you can do to strengthen your marriage relationship?
10. Say “I Love You.”
Sometimes we assume that others know that we love them. But the words matter.
Many songs have been written on the importance of verbalizing our love.
Sometimes, we realize too late that we should have been more diligent about speaking love out loud.
Ron Hamilton’s song reminds us, “Life is but a vapor, quickly vanishing away. Wait until tomorrow, and your change may flee away.
Give a fragrant flower while its beauty still can charm. Give a kiss to warm the longing heart.
Say ‘I love you’ while the heart can feel. Say ‘I love you’ while the heat can heal.
Make a heart rejoice, give your love a voice. Speak the words while you can say ‘I love you.”
Unconditional love should be expressed every day.
11. Be a Good Listener
Proverbs 18:13 says, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”
Take time to really hear what your spouse is saying to you.
Be an empathetic listener.
Give them your full attention, make eye contact, nod, and ask clarifying questions.
Assure your spouse that they are important to you by listening to what they are sharing with you—even if it seems trivial.
Don’t be quick to provide solutions. Often your partner just wants you to listen.
12. Don’t Go To Asleep Angry.
In Ephesians 4, Paul puts limits on our anger. While anger is a powerful force that can sometimes be used for good, it has potential for great harm.
In this passage, Paul helps us understand helpful boundaries for our anger.
Ephesians 4:26 says, “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”
In other words, we are permitted to experience the energy of anger that helps mobilize us to do something about an unjust situation we care deeply about.
But God puts a 24-hour time limit on anger.
We are not allowed to sin in our anger through gossip, hatred, slander, selfishness, or revenge.
We are also not allowed to hang onto it for long.
Anger always morphs into something selfish and destructive.
God encourages people to deal with their anger before the sun goes down, so we do not carry it with us into the next day.
Sometimes, it’s not wise to talk about conflicts before you go to bed, since both of you may be stressed, exhausted, and in need of sleep.
However, aim to talk through your situation in that 24-hour window.
Seek peace and reconciliation as soon as possible.
Forgive, and don’t hold onto your anger.
13. Be An Encourager in your marriage relationship
Hebrews 3:13 says, “But encourage one another every day, while it is called today, so that not one of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.”
Life can be intensely discouraging, so don’t take for granted the importance of your encouragement to your spouse.
If you are running dry on encouraging things to say, just do a simple online search for encouraging quotes and words of encouragement for a spouse.
Then use them! Don’t miss a day!
14. Don’t assume anything in your marriage relationship
Mike Bechtle wrote the following commentary on the importance of not making assumptions:
“Someone said, ‘In the absence of data, we tend to make things up.’
That’s why it’s important to keep talking about hard issues. If we don’t, we won’t know what the other person is thinking.
So we start believing our made-up perspectives, imagining things that aren’t there and assuming they’re true.”
Seek to always ask questions, clarify conversations first, and believe the best.
Moreover, never assume you know what your spouse is thinking or what their motivations are.
Always ask! Don’t be a mind reader.
15. Spend Time Together, but also Spend Time Alone
Sherry Turkle, in her excellent book, Reclaiming The Conversation: the Power of Talk in a Digital Age, said, “Loneliness is painful, emotionally and even physically, born from a want of intimacy” when we need it most, in early childhood. Solitude—the capacity to be contentedly and constructively alone—is built from successful human connection at just that time.”
Avoid loneliness by prioritizing your spouse and making sure they feel loved, cared for, and listened to.
Go on dates and prioritize one-on-one conversations away from children.
Similarly, have a healthy balance between alone time and together time.
16. Accept Each Other
Romans 15:5-7 provides a beautiful vision of the church that can also be applied to marriage.
“Now may the God who gives endurance and encouragement grant you harmony with one another in Christ Jesus, so that with one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring glory to God.”
God, therefore, encourages us to see a vision of oneness, harmony, and unity. Praise to God.
However, in order to reach that point, we must accept one another.
Your spouse may have a different personality than you do, for instance.
He may have different likes or dislikes. She may also have quirks.
But successful marriages must be based on unconditional love and acceptance.
Understand you are not perfect, therefore your spouse cannot be perfect either.
You are both “work in progress”. Two imperfect people striving to make it by the grace of God in an imperfect world.
Show your spouse that you truly delight in him or her, just the way he or she is.
The Bible says it’s the little things that matter. “For who has despised the day of small things?” God asks in Zechariah 4:10.
The Lord God says that the tiny mustard seed can grow into a giant tree (Mark 4:10).
A tiny bit of yeast can spread through an entire lump of dough (Matthew 13:33).
On the flip side, a tiny negative word of anger or hatred can spread, causing great destruction and devastation (James 3:5).
In conclusion, it’s worth our time to make sure that the small moments in a marriage relationship are healthy, beautiful, and nurturing to our spouse.
It’s not the heart-stopping moments of romance, the breathtaking honeymoon destinations, or the great accomplishments that make a marriage successful.
How Do I Make My Relationship Stay Strong – 16 Ways
