Do you Even Know What it Takes to Make Your Relationship Last Long?
Every long term happy marriage has secrets to their success and what has kept them together.
While some couples enter their marriage relationship with starry eyes and rosy glasses, others enter with a bleakly realistic fear:
“What if our marriage falls apart? What if we don’t have what it takes to stick it out?”
With marriage relationships falling apart left and right and warm and devoted marriages disintegrating before our very eyes, we need words of advice, guidance, and strength.
We need to gain skills for endurance and going the distance.
What makes the difference? What helps some people weather the storms of life and stay strong long term?
Ever wondered – what are the secrets to a long-lasting relationship?
In this post, we will examine some important life lessons for building long-lasting marriage relationships.
Let’s have a look at twelve of the best things people (including myself – 34 years of marriage) who have stayed together for the longest share as perhaps, some of the secrets to their long-lasting relationships.
Let’s explore some great advice for a strong, happy, and enduring relationship.
Sherry Turkle explains that smartphones, computers, and technology have taken the place of much-needed personal conversation that is so vital to healthy relationships.
we can be sucked into the trend to outsource our thinking, our information storage, and recall, our memories, our information processing, and our philosophy to digital devices.
In fact, instead of taking time to fully digest our multi-sensory experiences with our spouse, we often short-change the experience by focusing only on taking a picture to later post on social media.
Instead of using our own minds to store, process, and retrieve our memories about our spouses,
we rely on the crutch of social media to remind us of memories and anniversaries.
Similarly, instead of spending time conversing about our day, developing new hobbies together,
or responding to one another’s bid for attention, we spend time scrolling endlessly through social media feeds or online news and shopping.
The writer of Ecclesiastes, despite his tone of darkness and despair, had a lot to say about the importance of treasuring each and every moment that God gives us here on earth.
He often reminded readers that life is uncertain; tragedy and calamities come, and death is sure.
In light of this, he advised, alternatively to,
“Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun–all your meaningless days.
For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun.”
Ecclesiastes advised his audience to treasure the simple pleasures of daily life.
Don’t allow the marvels of a smiling face, a fading sunset, or a nuanced expression of tenderness be lost under a pile of addictive, stressful, and never-ending tweets, likes, comments, and headlines.
Sherry Turkle suggests creating “sacred spaces—the living room, the dining room, the kitchen, the car—that are device-free.”
However, you choose to apply this principle, remember that boundaries on technology are a very important part of a relationship that can go the distance.
#2. Be Prepared For Difficulty
It is important to understand that marriage may not be easy.
Jesus says that “in this world, you will have tribulation.”
Hebrews 10:36 says, “So do not throw away your confidence; it holds a great reward.”
Although you prepare for the worst, you must enter your marriage relationship with hope, confidence, optimism, and the power of imagination.
Paul Tripp says that the spiritual “power of imagination” is the confidence that allows us to envision leaves, flowers, and fruit on a dry, dead, winter tree.
The power of imagination allows us to dream of business goals that we later make a reality.
Similarly, the power of imagination helps us see that no matter the current or pending difficulty, God is always at work in our spouse’s life.
Even in times of difficulty, we can work on “believing that anything is possible with the work of God.” (Pastor H, Kansas)
Tim Keller in his renowned book “The meaning of Marriage” encourages spouses to use their spiritual imagination to get excited about what God is doing in their partner’s life.
He says, “Look at another person and get a glimpse of what God is creating, and to say,
‘I see who God is making you, and it excites me! I want to be part of that. I want to partner with you and God in the journey you are taking to His throne.’
And when we get there, I will look at your magnificence and say, “I always knew you could be like this.
Always approach your marriage with hope in the fact that God is; “able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us.” -Ephesians 3:20
#4. Practice Steadfast (Hesed) Love
Make Jesus Christ, the first and last and best in everything.
Throughout the Bible, God refers to His love for His people as “hesed.”
Hesed love means love, loyalty, or steadfast mercy.
It refers to a covenant love that never, ever gives up on the beloved.
Paul Miller says that “Hesed is one-way love.
It encompasses love commitment without an exit strategy.
When you love with hesed love, you bind yourself to the object of your love no matter what the response is…” (The Loving Life by Paul Miller)
Hesed love is the type of love that will keep your relationship going for the long term.
#5. Find And Stay With A Congregation That Will Support You
You need a strong body of genuine believers that will come alongside and help you through those tough patches.
They will help you see blind spots, guide you in times of difficulty, and encourage you when times are tough.
The body of Christ provides accountability and helps keep you on track with your relationship with your spouse and with God.
Hebrews 10:24-25 says, “Let us not neglect meeting together, as some have made a habit, but let us encourage one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”
Spiritual fellowship helps you avoid placing all your emotional weight on your spouse, which creates an impossible burden to bear.
Find solace in friends, mentors, accountability partners, pastors, and teachers.
The Body of Christ is an important key to developing courage and perseverance for the long haul.
#6. Develop Relationships With Older Mentors
Proverbs 27:10 says, “Never abandon a friend— either yours or your father’s.”
This verse implies that we gain strength and wisdom from learning to know people our own age and our parents’ age.
Seek out an older couple who has an exemplary, happy, and long marriage and explore what has kept them together.
Ask them to share with you the secrets of how to stay strong long term.
Learn from their marriage advice and wisdom and follow their example.
They may even be able to give you practical advice for the specialized situations you experience with your spouse.
#7. Don’t Ignore Your Spouse’s “Bids” For Attention
In his book, Reconnect, Steve Call, Ph.D. says that couples are constantly sending out “bids” for attention.
Like a slight nose-scratch or cough from a bidder at an auction, some of these bids are subtle and hard to notice.
Nonetheless, spouses are constantly asking one another for connection in small ways.
For example, if they hint at going out to eat, taking a walk, chatting about the day, or playing a board game,
make sure you don’t brush off this small invitation.
Notice their “bid” for attention and respond with kindness.
By any chance, if you’re not available right then, make sure you schedule another time when the two of you could connect.
If you make a habit of dismissing or ignoring your spouse’s bids, she or he may stop asking, and your relationship will suffer.
#8. Focus On “Crock Pot Relationships” Instead Of “Instant Microwave Relationships.”
In our culture of instant availability, it’s easy to assume that following a few steps, pressing a few buttons, and learning a few “hacks” can help you develop a successful marriage.
However, relationships are one thing that never develops instantly.
No matter how quickly you may have fallen in love, “love at first sight” doesn’t ensure that your relationship will progress easily and automatically.
Mike Bechtle says, “There are no shortcuts to maturity.
There are no shortcuts to healthy relationships. Maturity takes time.”
#9. Face Shame And Contempt Head On
According to Dan Allender, “a loyal commitment to a zero-contempt relationship” is one of the most critical elements in any marriage.
Especially when there has been vulnerability or hurt in the life of one spouse, a no-contempt rule is critical.
Dan Allender goes on, “No matter the issue, no matter its importance, contempt must be viewed as dangerous as lighting a match to look into a gas tank.”
In order to understand contempt, we need to also examine the shame in our lives.
Shame is the fear of disconnection and abandonment that stems from our belief about who we are as a person.
When we feel shame, we often turn to contempt to distract us from those feelings of abandonment and disconnection.
Instead of learning to feel secure in our identity, we blame someone near us or show contempt for ourselves.
#10. Don’t Allow Conflicts To Gridlock
The Gottman Institute provides excellent food for thought when it says that in some conflicts,
resolution is not necessarily possible in the way we traditionally think of it.
Solvable conflicts are simple logistical challenges or differences of opinion that can be fixed by discussing them.
Unsolvable problems, however, are clashes between personalities or values that will come up over and over ago and will never truly go away.
Some couples work endlessly to try to solve these problems, running themselves into corners, becoming defensive, being angry, or shutting down.
John Gottman, Ph.D suggests approaching these issues with continuing dialogue.
He recommends “humor, affection, and even amusement, to actively cope with the unresolvable problems,
You may think that all of life is going to be an upward of success and victory.
However, Jesus calls us to the life of death, self-sacrifice, and love that he demonstrated while he was on earth.
Ephesians 5 specifically says that husbands are called love with self-sacrificial, dying love.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” Ephesians 5:25
In his book, J-Curve, Paul Miller emphasizes that dying with Christ is a big part of life.
We admire Jesus’ sacrificial love so much that we actually re-enact it daily.
Practice sacrificial love that is enveloped in the mutual respect that promotes your shared values.
This is a great virtue that can serve as a bedrock of any relationship.
Respect is the bedrock of any solid relationship. It’s impossible for any relationship to thrive without RESPECT.
Like the residents of Medicine Lodge, Kansas, who re-enact a historic peace treaty in a monumental pageant every three years, we are called to re-enact Jesus’ life of sacrificial love—not every three years, but every day.
“When you realize that death is at the center of love, it is quietly liberating.
Instead of fighting the death that comes with love, you embrace what your Father has given you. A tiny resurrection begins in your heart.”—Paul Miller
Intimacy should be emotional, mental, and physical closeness and not just sexual.
You must always make time to connect intimately.
This type of intimacy is a feeling that is much more deeper and solid than a romantic feeling. This is one marriage advice all couples in long term relationships agree to be one of their secrets.
Whether your marriage is hanging by a thread or healthy and strong, The Love Dare is a journey you need to take. You will learn the keys to finding true intimacy and developing a dynamic marriage.
#12. Regain Perspective As A Couple
When you start your marriage, it is important to create habits and rituals of connection.
Take time to regain perspective as a couple!
It’s important to think through your schedules, priorities, weekly events, and check-ins.
However, it is equally important to reevaluate those goals, rituals, and habits often as the years pass.
Don’t just get into a habit and continue with it for 20 years without taking a step back to see if those routines are still necessary.
Periodically review your goals, values, habits, and customs.
See if these rituals are working for you and evaluate whether you should change them or add new ones.
Although routines are important, ruts are not always helpful.
Make sure to check in from time to time to make sure you are still on the same page.
Life isn’t easy, and marriage is not for the faint of heart.
With these proven secrets to a long-lasting marriage relationship under your belt, you will gain the perspective, courage, and endurance that you need.
They will help you learn how to stay strong and intentional and long-term in your “Kingdom Marriage“.
Secrets To A Long Marriage Relationship: Words To Live By Everyday:
You can post these words where you can see them often.
Remembering them will help you and your partner to maintain a happy marriage that can withstand the most associated challenges.
-PATIENCE.
-UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
-FORGIVENESS
-KINDNESS.
-PERSEVERANCE.
-RELENTLESS.
-INTENTIONAL.
-MOTIVATED.
-COMPASSION.
-INTIMACY.
-GRATEFUL.
-MERCY.
-GRACE.
-MEEKNESS.
-COURAGE.
-HONESTY.
-RESPECT.
-TRUST.
-EMPATHY.
-FOCUSED.
-POSITIVE EMOTIONS.
As Always, Just hang on tight. Do Your best and leave the rest to a Faithful God. STAY BLESSED……
With all that goes on in today’s frenetic modern world, all the responsibilities and challenges related to parenting and other pressures,
We have to take time to reflect and take better care of ourselves.
“To be a good parent, you need to take care of yourself so that you can have the physical and emotional energy to take care of your family.” – Michelle Obama
Many times, we get bombarded with our work duties, other obligations, and community activities also.
We should not wait until we have reached a breaking point to purposefully begin to take better care of ourselves.
“Women have to take the time to focus on our mental health – take time for self, for the spiritual without feeling guilty or selfish. The world will see you the way you, see you, and treat you the way you treat yourself.” – Beyonce.
If you don’t catch yourself in time, frustration, anger, anxiety, and even depression can creep in and reap you of all your joy and happiness.
There are so many self-care activities available to improve our physical, emotional and mental wellbeing.
They include spiritual activities like praying, mental activities like practicing mindfulness, and physical activities like healthy eating, and frequent exercising.
These 17 ways to take better care of yourself can help you know how to let go and BREATHE.
What is Self-Care?
Self care is about extending the same kindness, love and grace you willingly and sacrificially show to others to yourself without feeling guilty about it.
Check this scenario out;
It’s 11:00 pm. You silently close your child’s bedroom door, grateful he finally lost the battle against sleep.
As your eyes dart from one stack of dirty dishes to another stack of unfinished projects, you feel bone-tired.
Your mind is a thick molasses. Waves of weariness wash over your heart.
You don’t even know where to start processing today’s argument with your children or spouse, the social media argument about complicated world events, and your argument with yourself about what tasks are most important.
Tears slip out of your eyes as waves of guilt and failure wash over you.
If you have struggled to know how to take care of yourself as a mom, you are not alone.
During the COVID – 19 era, when churches, therapist offices, and support networks are closed, you could have tried to figure out how to take care of yourself emotionally.
Trying to care for yourself should be a natural and God-given instinct.
The Apostle Paul in Ephesians 5:29-30 said, “Indeed, no one ever hated his own body, but he nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church. For we are members of His body.”
God understands that humans naturally nourish, treasure, care for, and feed their bodies. He knows we automatically comfort, warm, and tenderly watch over our bodies.
But with children, marriage obligations, and work clamoring for our attention, we need more than our natural tendency to care for ourselves.
“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” – Jack Kornfield
It’s not us. Sometimes we are always on the go, being a “superwoman.”
As humans, we are created with limits. Immense relief comes from humbly recognizing that you are not God.
Experiencing God will help you get a better understanding of His sovereignty as He reveals Himself to you.
Hannah Anderson, in her book, Humble Roots, says that we are often tempted to a “pride that desires to live beyond natural human limitations… We buy the lie that we could be omnipotent, always virile, never tiring, never needing rest. We buy the lie that we could be omnipresent, always available, never distant, never missing out.”
Often, we think we can be perfect fun moms, involved in every activity, and providing our children and families with every opportunity.
We act like super moms, sometimes inflicting the notion that nothing will get done if we don’t do it.
And when we do, we become exhausted and drained.
Remembering our limitations—and humbly accepting them as an expression of our faith and dependence on God—is an important step towards wholesome self-care.
We don’t take care of ourselves because we’re selfish, proud, or egotistical. We take care of ourselves because we humbly admit that we’re not all-powerful—we’re not God.
With this in mind, I hope you can examine yourself and your environment and decide to start to take better care of yourself!
In Genesis 1:28, God called humans to steward the earth and all of creation.
Have you ever thought about your body as being a part of all creation?
Hannah Anderson points out, “You may have never thought of steadying your body as part of the call to steward the earth, but it’s not that much of a stretch. We are, after all, made from the earth, a mixture of minerals and elements that have only been made alive by the quickening Spirit of God.”
Along with your responsibility to take care of your children, your job, your ministry, you have a responsibility to take care of your body.
God desires for us to be healthy and strong and to take care of our bodies, mind, and spirit. “Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself.” – 2 Corinthians 6:19.
Fuel your body with healthy eating habits and supplements that are vital in sustaining your immune system and general well being.
Eat healthy home-cooked meals instead of ‘fast’ food.
Don’t unnecessarily tax your body. Give it the rest, nutritious food, and exercise it needs.
Don’t forget to drink significant amounts of water to stay hydrated. Water is very good for the skin, it helps digestion and boosts your immune system.
#3. Find Joy In Simple Things
God has created many beautiful experiences for us to enjoy.
1 Timothy 6:17 says that God “richly provides us with everything to enjoy.”
In his book, Pure Pleasure, Gary Thomas encourages believers to find pleasure in food, family, fellowship, and more.
He says that when we search for legitimate, healthy sources of pleasure, we will be less likely to fall into temptation and illicit pleasures.
Even when we go through very difficult times, we should look for the simple joys that are all around us: the sun on our faces, the smile of a child, or the gentle song of a flowing stream.
Looking for joy in simple pleasures is an important way to take better care of yourself.
You can look at old pictures, listen to your favorite songs, volunteer your time at a charity you like, get a massage, indulge in a bubble bath, join a women’s weekly prayer group or enjoy the benefits of your favorite essential oils and candles.
Work/life boundaries have never been more important than they are today.
In a cultural shift away from remote jobs and towards in-home jobs, work has more potential than ever to invade every minute of our personal lives.
If you work at home, seek to develop a predictable schedule about when you will work and when you will relax.
Communicate to others when you are working and when you are “off.” When you’re relaxing, take it seriously.
Don’t even open your computer or your work email. Keeping your work from invading every minute of your day is critical in self-care.
#5. Process Your Pain
Unresolved pain, grief, or shame tend to sneak out in ways that are devastating to your body, soul, and health.
You may lash out at others or distract yourself with work to try to avoid difficult memories or thoughts.
Learning how to take care of yourself emotionally is critical for self-care.
Address even the seemingly small things that might seem insignificant like losing a twin sibling before birth, infertility, having a miscarriage, having a best friend move away, or betray you.
Acknowledge your grief. Talk to supportive friends and spiritual leaders. It’s been said that a problem shared is a problem halved.
Often communication with people gives you exactly what you need to hear for you to continue your journey in taking better care of yourself in the most positive way.
Read books on healing. Go to a therapist. Addressing your emotional needs is critical for truly relaxing and taking better care of yourself.
#6. Just Say No
“Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious. You get to choose how you use it. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept.” -Anna Taylor
In Luke 4:42-44, crowds were begging Jesus to continue healing and helping them. But he said no. He had to move on to other towns and preach there.
He didn’t allow himself to be dissuaded by popular opinions or by the demands of friends or society.
Instead, he simply moved on, “for I was sent for this purpose.” Jesus had a clear sense of purpose and values.
Tim Elmore recommends writing down five of your most important values and using them to help you make decisions in gray areas.
Eliminate parts of your life that don’t fit your values as a part of your self-care regimen.
Just learn how to just say no and don’t feel bad or guilty about it.
#7. Taking Time to Be Quiet
Taking time to be quiet is an important part of any self-care love routine.
Psalm 37:7 says, “Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him.”
Psalm 62:5 tells us to wait in silence for God.
Then Psalm 131:2 speaks of the importance of stilling our souls before God.
Many Bible passages encourage us to live a quiet life (1 Timothy 2:2, 1 Peter 3:4, and 1 Thessalonians 4:11).
Make time in your life for silence before the Lord.
Wait on him and try to connect to Him from the heart. Still your heart and acknowledge that it’s not all up to you—it’s up to Him!
This implies telling yourself that you are going to pause and slow down at intermittent times during the day.
Try to relax, go to a quiet place in or outside the house, look around you, close your eyes, and take deep breaths in and out several times.
You’ll notice that you will feel more relaxed before you start off again.
#8. Meditation
Even if you don’t subscribe to the common cultural views of meditation, you can still follow the Biblical command to fill your mind with God’s word.
You don’t have to spend 30 minutes in meditation every time. Two to five minutes—while in the restroom or while feeding the baby—are often sufficient.
Meditate on God’s word and stop the endless soundtrack of frenetic thoughts that try to take your attention. Ponder on the Lord and His love for you for two minutes.
#9. Stretching
Wondering how to take care of yourself as a mom? Consider adding stretching into your life. A simple internet search will lead to easy stretches that you can do any minute of the day.
Watching your kids in the park, you can do a slow nod exercise or a hip flexor stretch.
Before you wind down for the night or while the kids are asleep or at school, you can take a little time, inhale, exhale and stretch.
Watch how much relief you’ll experience.
These are so inconspicuous that no one will even notice you are stretching!
If you work a desk job, try to get up every hour and stretch. Your blood will start to flow and you will notice an increased mental acuity.
#10. Journaling
Commit to journaling regularly as an important way of processing your emotions, understanding your life, releasing your frustration, and taking care of yourself emotionally.
Boundaries for the Soul: How to Turn Your Overwhelming Thoughts and Feelings into Your Greatest Allies By Allison Cook provides some important jumping-off points for journaling about triggering events.
It is very healing to write down your responses to Allison Cook’s probing questions in this book.
Her questions will help you get some distance from overwhelming emotions, talk to them kindly as if they were frightened children, comfort them with the love of Jesus, and re-integrate them into your renewed purpose.
This all-inclusive women’s care package provides simple ways to make you feel better.
Journaling is an important way to process your feelings, encourages self-awareness, and improves your mood.
Some ideas on how to start journaling are to start with positive inner reflections first like what makes you happy, what inspires you, your idea of a good day, eight things you love about yourself and your family, what makes you proud about yourself.
#11. Gratitude Diary
Gratitude is a feeling of appreciation and thanks.
Is there someone in your life that has shown you that you matter to them?
A gratitude journal helps you to focus your attention on positive things in your life, great or small.
First Thessalonians 5:18 says, “In everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” Regardless of the circumstances, you can find at least three things to be thankful for.
Keeping a gratitude diary or journal helps you come back later with gratefulness and remember what God has done, making your day more productive and focused.
#12. Spend Time Outdoors
A park, field, or stream is an excellent place to work on self-care. You might want to spend some time walking by yourself or with a friend.
Almost any of these self-care ideas can be done outside. You can exercise outside, express gratitude outside, or meditate outside.
Listening to music that elicits positive emotions can help you to relax and elevate your spirit, which improves your mood and general well-being.
#15. Smile More
A clerk at the store, a child in your arms, or a neighbor across the street would be happy to receive your smile, which in turn can improve your mood, relieve your stress, and lower blood pressure.
Scientists have found that a smile gives your brain more feel-good hormones than receiving a large sum of money!
Smiling lifts your own spirits and encourages others.
Spreading smiles is free, painless, and rewarding. Make smiling an important part of your self-care love routine.
#16.Sleep
Sleep should be a priority in our self-care journey.
Bill Fish, a certified sleep science coach and co-founder of Tuck stated that “Getting a proper night sleep is essential to our health,” in fact, sleep is now known as the third pillar of wellness along with exercise and nutrition.”
Create a sleep schedule and try your best to stick to it. That way your body knows when to settle to rest and when to rise.
A full night sleep promotes mental wellness and diminishes the negative effects of poor sleeping habits that include fatigue, irritability, anxiety, and negative thoughts.
#17. Digital Detox
Distancing yourself from digital devices like smartphones, computers, tablets, and social media platforms help you to focus on real-life interactions and can make your brain to relax and also improve your sleep and focus.
It is a known fact that many families and relationships don’t have many faces to face social interaction anymore.
Most of the time, everyone is by themselves and on their phone, tablet, playing a game, or on social media.
You could be in the same house and you are talking to your spouse or children from the cell phone.
Develop a digital detox hour, hours, or a day that you’ll focus your mind on yourself to improve your focus and reduce stress.
You can call it or relate to it as a biblical fast. Maybe that could help you keep the phones away and stay off social media for some time to rejuvenate and take better care of yourself.
The journey of taking better care of yourself starts in your mind. You must understand your dependence on God and the limits of your body and spirit.
The journey of taking care of yourself emotionally continues as you process your grief, change your thinking about your own value, and start practical steps like meditation, stretching, and journaling.
“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.” -Oprah
How does this journey end? In reality, the journey of self-care never ends. It’s not a one-time deal.
But it does come to a culmination as you begin to have enough energy, passion, and joy to invest in others again.
As you entrust your own needs to God and humbly accept your own limits, you begin looking at others’ needs as more important than your own.
The Bible instructs that you take care of others with the same attentive care that you take care of yourself (Mark 12:31 – The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’).
And, in this way, the purpose of self-care is complete.
Your mind is one of the most fragile yet most powerful things in your body.
It is so important to look after yourselves and learn how to look after your beautiful mind. And body too.
Are you seeing things from a different perspective?
Don’t make excuses for not practicing self-care.
You are so worth it!
Please don’t allow procrastination to rob you of the well deserved wholeness and happiness that you deserve.
“Accept yourself, love yourself, and keep moving forward. If you want to fly, you have to give up what weighs you down.” – Roy T. Bennett
How are you practicing self-care?
What routine have you put in place that is solely for you?
Please drop a line in the comments – it can help someone.
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Sending lots of love and positivity your way………..♥
