Do you Even Know What it Takes to Make Your Relationship Last Long?
Every long term happy marriage has secrets to their success and what has kept them together.
While some couples enter their marriage relationship with starry eyes and rosy glasses, others enter with a bleakly realistic fear:
“What if our marriage falls apart? What if we don’t have what it takes to stick it out?”
With marriage relationships falling apart left and right and warm and devoted marriages disintegrating before our very eyes, we need words of advice, guidance, and strength.
We need to gain skills for endurance and going the distance.
What makes the difference? What helps some people weather the storms of life and stay strong long term?
Ever wondered – what are the secrets to a long-lasting relationship?
In this post, we will examine some important life lessons for building long-lasting marriage relationships.
Let’s have a look at twelve of the best things people (including myself – 34 years of marriage) who have stayed together for the longest share as perhaps, some of the secrets to their long-lasting relationships.
Let’s explore some great advice for a strong, happy, and enduring relationship.
Sherry Turkle explains that smartphones, computers, and technology have taken the place of much-needed personal conversation that is so vital to healthy relationships.
we can be sucked into the trend to outsource our thinking, our information storage, and recall, our memories, our information processing, and our philosophy to digital devices.
In fact, instead of taking time to fully digest our multi-sensory experiences with our spouse, we often short-change the experience by focusing only on taking a picture to later post on social media.
Instead of using our own minds to store, process, and retrieve our memories about our spouses,
we rely on the crutch of social media to remind us of memories and anniversaries.
Similarly, instead of spending time conversing about our day, developing new hobbies together,
or responding to one another’s bid for attention, we spend time scrolling endlessly through social media feeds or online news and shopping.
The writer of Ecclesiastes, despite his tone of darkness and despair, had a lot to say about the importance of treasuring each and every moment that God gives us here on earth.
He often reminded readers that life is uncertain; tragedy and calamities come, and death is sure.
In light of this, he advised, alternatively to,
“Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun–all your meaningless days.
For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun.”
Ecclesiastes advised his audience to treasure the simple pleasures of daily life.
Don’t allow the marvels of a smiling face, a fading sunset, or a nuanced expression of tenderness be lost under a pile of addictive, stressful, and never-ending tweets, likes, comments, and headlines.
Sherry Turkle suggests creating “sacred spaces—the living room, the dining room, the kitchen, the car—that are device-free.”
However, you choose to apply this principle, remember that boundaries on technology are a very important part of a relationship that can go the distance.
#2. Be Prepared For Difficulty
It is important to understand that marriage may not be easy.
Jesus says that “in this world, you will have tribulation.”
Hebrews 10:36 says, “So do not throw away your confidence; it holds a great reward.”
Although you prepare for the worst, you must enter your marriage relationship with hope, confidence, optimism, and the power of imagination.
Paul Tripp says that the spiritual “power of imagination” is the confidence that allows us to envision leaves, flowers, and fruit on a dry, dead, winter tree.
The power of imagination allows us to dream of business goals that we later make a reality.
Similarly, the power of imagination helps us see that no matter the current or pending difficulty, God is always at work in our spouse’s life.
Even in times of difficulty, we can work on “believing that anything is possible with the work of God.” (Pastor H, Kansas)
Tim Keller in his renowned book “The meaning of Marriage” encourages spouses to use their spiritual imagination to get excited about what God is doing in their partner’s life.
He says, “Look at another person and get a glimpse of what God is creating, and to say,
‘I see who God is making you, and it excites me! I want to be part of that. I want to partner with you and God in the journey you are taking to His throne.’
And when we get there, I will look at your magnificence and say, “I always knew you could be like this.
Always approach your marriage with hope in the fact that God is; “able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us.” -Ephesians 3:20
#4. Practice Steadfast (Hesed) Love
Make Jesus Christ, the first and last and best in everything.
Throughout the Bible, God refers to His love for His people as “hesed.”
Hesed love means love, loyalty, or steadfast mercy.
It refers to a covenant love that never, ever gives up on the beloved.
Paul Miller says that “Hesed is one-way love.
It encompasses love commitment without an exit strategy.
When you love with hesed love, you bind yourself to the object of your love no matter what the response is…” (The Loving Life by Paul Miller)
Hesed love is the type of love that will keep your relationship going for the long term.
#5. Find And Stay With A Congregation That Will Support You
You need a strong body of genuine believers that will come alongside and help you through those tough patches.
They will help you see blind spots, guide you in times of difficulty, and encourage you when times are tough.
The body of Christ provides accountability and helps keep you on track with your relationship with your spouse and with God.
Hebrews 10:24-25 says, “Let us not neglect meeting together, as some have made a habit, but let us encourage one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”
Spiritual fellowship helps you avoid placing all your emotional weight on your spouse, which creates an impossible burden to bear.
Find solace in friends, mentors, accountability partners, pastors, and teachers.
The Body of Christ is an important key to developing courage and perseverance for the long haul.
#6. Develop Relationships With Older Mentors
Proverbs 27:10 says, “Never abandon a friend— either yours or your father’s.”
This verse implies that we gain strength and wisdom from learning to know people our own age and our parents’ age.
Seek out an older couple who has an exemplary, happy, and long marriage and explore what has kept them together.
Ask them to share with you the secrets of how to stay strong long term.
Learn from their marriage advice and wisdom and follow their example.
They may even be able to give you practical advice for the specialized situations you experience with your spouse.
#7. Don’t Ignore Your Spouse’s “Bids” For Attention
In his book, Reconnect, Steve Call, Ph.D. says that couples are constantly sending out “bids” for attention.
Like a slight nose-scratch or cough from a bidder at an auction, some of these bids are subtle and hard to notice.
Nonetheless, spouses are constantly asking one another for connection in small ways.
For example, if they hint at going out to eat, taking a walk, chatting about the day, or playing a board game,
make sure you don’t brush off this small invitation.
Notice their “bid” for attention and respond with kindness.
By any chance, if you’re not available right then, make sure you schedule another time when the two of you could connect.
If you make a habit of dismissing or ignoring your spouse’s bids, she or he may stop asking, and your relationship will suffer.
#8. Focus On “Crock Pot Relationships” Instead Of “Instant Microwave Relationships.”
In our culture of instant availability, it’s easy to assume that following a few steps, pressing a few buttons, and learning a few “hacks” can help you develop a successful marriage.
However, relationships are one thing that never develops instantly.
No matter how quickly you may have fallen in love, “love at first sight” doesn’t ensure that your relationship will progress easily and automatically.
Mike Bechtle says, “There are no shortcuts to maturity.
There are no shortcuts to healthy relationships. Maturity takes time.”
#9. Face Shame And Contempt Head On
According to Dan Allender, “a loyal commitment to a zero-contempt relationship” is one of the most critical elements in any marriage.
Especially when there has been vulnerability or hurt in the life of one spouse, a no-contempt rule is critical.
Dan Allender goes on, “No matter the issue, no matter its importance, contempt must be viewed as dangerous as lighting a match to look into a gas tank.”
In order to understand contempt, we need to also examine the shame in our lives.
Shame is the fear of disconnection and abandonment that stems from our belief about who we are as a person.
When we feel shame, we often turn to contempt to distract us from those feelings of abandonment and disconnection.
Instead of learning to feel secure in our identity, we blame someone near us or show contempt for ourselves.
#10. Don’t Allow Conflicts To Gridlock
The Gottman Institute provides excellent food for thought when it says that in some conflicts,
resolution is not necessarily possible in the way we traditionally think of it.
Solvable conflicts are simple logistical challenges or differences of opinion that can be fixed by discussing them.
Unsolvable problems, however, are clashes between personalities or values that will come up over and over ago and will never truly go away.
Some couples work endlessly to try to solve these problems, running themselves into corners, becoming defensive, being angry, or shutting down.
John Gottman, Ph.D suggests approaching these issues with continuing dialogue.
He recommends “humor, affection, and even amusement, to actively cope with the unresolvable problems,
You may think that all of life is going to be an upward of success and victory.
However, Jesus calls us to the life of death, self-sacrifice, and love that he demonstrated while he was on earth.
Ephesians 5 specifically says that husbands are called love with self-sacrificial, dying love.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” Ephesians 5:25
In his book, J-Curve, Paul Miller emphasizes that dying with Christ is a big part of life.
We admire Jesus’ sacrificial love so much that we actually re-enact it daily.
Practice sacrificial love that is enveloped in the mutual respect that promotes your shared values.
This is a great virtue that can serve as a bedrock of any relationship.
Respect is the bedrock of any solid relationship. It’s impossible for any relationship to thrive without RESPECT.
Like the residents of Medicine Lodge, Kansas, who re-enact a historic peace treaty in a monumental pageant every three years, we are called to re-enact Jesus’ life of sacrificial love—not every three years, but every day.
“When you realize that death is at the center of love, it is quietly liberating.
Instead of fighting the death that comes with love, you embrace what your Father has given you. A tiny resurrection begins in your heart.”—Paul Miller
Intimacy should be emotional, mental, and physical closeness and not just sexual.
You must always make time to connect intimately.
This type of intimacy is a feeling that is much more deeper and solid than a romantic feeling. This is one marriage advice all couples in long term relationships agree to be one of their secrets.
Whether your marriage is hanging by a thread or healthy and strong, The Love Dare is a journey you need to take. You will learn the keys to finding true intimacy and developing a dynamic marriage.
#12. Regain Perspective As A Couple
When you start your marriage, it is important to create habits and rituals of connection.
Take time to regain perspective as a couple!
It’s important to think through your schedules, priorities, weekly events, and check-ins.
However, it is equally important to reevaluate those goals, rituals, and habits often as the years pass.
Don’t just get into a habit and continue with it for 20 years without taking a step back to see if those routines are still necessary.
Periodically review your goals, values, habits, and customs.
See if these rituals are working for you and evaluate whether you should change them or add new ones.
Although routines are important, ruts are not always helpful.
Make sure to check in from time to time to make sure you are still on the same page.
Life isn’t easy, and marriage is not for the faint of heart.
With these proven secrets to a long-lasting marriage relationship under your belt, you will gain the perspective, courage, and endurance that you need.
They will help you learn how to stay strong and intentional and long-term in your “Kingdom Marriage“.
Secrets To A Long Marriage Relationship: Words To Live By Everyday:
You can post these words where you can see them often.
Remembering them will help you and your partner to maintain a happy marriage that can withstand the most associated challenges.
-PATIENCE.
-UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
-FORGIVENESS
-KINDNESS.
-PERSEVERANCE.
-RELENTLESS.
-INTENTIONAL.
-MOTIVATED.
-COMPASSION.
-INTIMACY.
-GRATEFUL.
-MERCY.
-GRACE.
-MEEKNESS.
-COURAGE.
-HONESTY.
-RESPECT.
-TRUST.
-EMPATHY.
-FOCUSED.
-POSITIVE EMOTIONS.
As Always, Just hang on tight. Do Your best and leave the rest to a Faithful God. STAY BLESSED……
It’s very likely most relationships can seriously benefit from a digital detox.
How to Digitally Detox Your Relationship: 12
Effective Ways.
Many married couples admit to being physically present in a room with no communication or interaction whatsoever going on.
Instead, they are engulfed on their laptops or scrolling through their smartphones or tablets.
It’s easy to understand the importance of digital detox and the benefit of stepping away from our phones.
How To Digitally Detox Your Marriage: 12 Effective Ways will help you not only decide to detox, but to stick with your decision long-term.
It will help you learn how to make your digital detox sustainable in your daily life.
What is a digital detox, one may ask?
A digital detox is about having a predetermined period of time when you and your partner don’t access the Internet, use technology or go online.
An intermittent digital detox will not only be beneficial in your relationship with your partner, but also with God.
How many times have you tried to hurry through devotion or time with God so that you can check your social media page?
Most of us would agree that we probably need a digital detox. We can see how social media, phones, texting, and screens steal our moments with our partners and divert our attention.
It’s been reported that the average adult spends about 11 hours on screens and media. We grudgingly acknowledge that we spend too much time on our phones and tablets,
and we know that it would be a good idea to put our phones down for a while; we may even start off on a digital detox challenge.
Turning off social media and promising you will not use your phone for a week seems simple enough.
But as the digital detox challenge progresses, we often get tripped up by one of two things.
First, we trip up because we did not change our thinking.
Second, we fail the challenge because we did not put in place other tools to replace the tools we rely on our phones.
Keep reading for a treasure trove of practical tips, effective ideas, and mental shifts that will help you digitally detox your marriage.
#1. Start Small
To prepare yourself for your digital detox challenge, start small.
For example, have “phone-free zones” in the house, sacred spaces where family members can be themselves and enjoy one another for who they are without the danger of being captured and broadcasted all over the social media world.
Another way to start small is to have a “bedtime” and a docking station for your phone. At a certain time, have everyone in the family put their phones to “bed” at a certain place. Enjoy the rest of the evening talking, reading, and winding down for the night.
#2. Social Media Fast
Another way you can start small is to have social media fast.
Let’s go over just a few reasons to quit social media for a while.
First, social media causes stress.
The anxiety of comparison, of waiting to see if you are approved, and of worrying about what others think can weigh you down and invade every thought.
We begin to filter every experience through the question, “How would this look on social media?”
This is stressful!
Second, social media tempts you to argue.
God’s word says, “The Lord’s slave must not quarrel, but must be gentle to everyone, able to teach, and patient.” – 2 Timothy 2:24.
Social media presents a strong temptation to join in with the bickering, arguing, and fighting that goes on constantly on political, social, and theological issues.
Try being off social media for a day at a time at first. Later, you can lengthen the time you stay off media.
#3. Implement The Replacement Principle
If you were about to get rid of your car, you would need to research bus routes, buy bus tickets, find stores within walking distance, or buy a bicycle.
In the same way, before you launch into a longer social media fast or digital detox challenge, you’ll need to collect the tools that will help you accomplish the things that you previously relied on your phone to accomplish for you.
Do you use your phone as a camera, map, telephone, radio, or internet browser?
For most, they use their phones and gadgets as their ultimate machine for listening and streaming music.
Then you’ll need to have other tools in place to accomplish those goals.
Many people end up justifying or making excuses for the use of their phone during a detox: “Well, I just need my phone to take a quick picture,” or, “I need to quickly lookup something on Google.”
Replacing these functions with other tools is an important key to making your detox a success.
To start with, make sure you have access to a computer with a browser, Google, and the Internet.
You might choose to go to the library to use the computer to avoid being unnecessarily distracted.
If you’re going completely screen-free, make sure to get an encyclopedia, dictionary, and a phone book!
Second, you’ll need a point and shoot camera. You can get creative with polaroid, film, or digital.
Further, make sure your house phone – is in working order and that you can get an email on your computer.
You may want to dig out or purchase a CD player or radio so you can have music.
How about a map? Google maps on your computer is a great tool, and you can print the instructions or write them down on a piece of paper.
However, a paper road map will come in handy, especially on long trips.
Finally, make sure to acquire a daily planner or a wall calendar to keep track of your appointments and dates.
With these tools in hand, you will be ready to go!
#4. Just Put Away Your Phone
Just do it. Put the phone AWAY!
You can even lock it up in a lockbox and give your spouse the key!
This is the simplest step—and the hardest—as you digitally detox your marriage. It’s not easy, but you can do it!
#5. Increase Your Focus
Now that your phone is put away, you will begin to experience some encouraging mental shifts.
First, you will gain more focus as you stop dividing your attention.
Phones have a tendency to be a ubiquitous cause of split focus.
We listen to our partner talking while scrolling through our social media feeds, our attention divided.
Our face is turned away from them when they are talking to us, not really focusing on what they are communicating.
Throughout the Bible, hiding and turning away your face is a sign of rejection or anger.
For example, in Psalm 27:9, the psalmist begs, “Do not hide Your face from me; do not turn Your servant away in anger.
You have been my helper; do not leave me or abandon me.”
When you turn your face away from your spouse and towards your phone, your spouse may perceive your divided focus as rejection.
The book, 12 Ways Your Phone is Changing You, admonishes, “Dividing attention is a typical expression of disdain.”
Steve Call’s book, Reconnect, affirms that gaze aversion and ignoring your spouse create a strong sense of disconnection.
Now that your phone is out of the picture, it may feel uncomfortable to not be able to hide in your phone.
Rather than running to other hobbies or solitary ambitions, make it a point to spend time with your spouse, look them in the eye, listen to them talk, and treasure their presence.
Take this opportunity to intentionally turn towards your spouse.
#6. Mental Margin
Another benefit of a digital detox challenge is the increased space in your mind. A mental margin is an important ingredient for creativity.
For example, Isaac Newton discovered gravity while he was in quarantine.
Why? Because he had mental space and time to breathe, ponder, think–and yes, be bored.
Although boredom can create a terrifying silence, try to think of it in a positive light.
Give yourself time to breathe and think and just be; give yourself some margin
#7. Create Real Memories
Be present with your spouse in real-life moments.
Tony Reinke says that “the richest memories in life are better ‘captured’ by our full sensory awareness at the moment—then later written down in a journal.”
You don’t need your phone or your Instagram profile to truly enjoy the sunset, the restaurant, or the tourist attraction; you don’t need the “likes,” comments, and shares to show you that your experience with your spouse is valuable.
Instead, look your spouse in the eyes, hold their hands, and turn to God in a prayer of thanksgiving for the water lapping on your feet, the gentle air caressing your cheek, and the presence of your loving spouse.
Write a descriptive paragraph about what you saw, felt, heard, smelled, and tasted.
Record the moment just for yourself, your spouse, and God.
Treasure a moment that doesn’t need to be photographed and shared.
#8. Create Meaningful Art
In his book, 12 Ways Your Phone is Changing You, Tony Reinke said that art is “deep, thoughtful, original reflections that emerge from the place where creation and biblical truth meet your life and worship.”
As you digitally detox your marriage and step away from your phone, you will have much more time to think and ponder life.
Creative juices will begin to flow.
Make sure to express that creativity in art, music, writing, poetry, or other venues.
As an added benefit, use that creativity to show love and honor to your spouse.
#9. Remember What God Has Done.
A key theme throughout the Biblical narrative is that of remembering.
Psalm 103 begs us not to forget all the good things God has done.
Deuteronomy 8:11 is a plaintive plea to remember God, even when your life is full of good things and sensuous enjoyment.
In Hebrews 13:3 and Colossians 4:18, God tells us to remember those who are suffering for Christ.
Deuteronomy 8:1 tells us to remember his guidance and the way he tests us and shows us his character.
In other words, one of the most important functions of our God-given minds is remembering our Lord.
Digital media is designed to mold and shape the way we remember, think, and desire.
Facebook reminds us of birthdays, photos we posted three years ago, and posts that were well-received last year on this date.
It reminds us of the friends that it believes we love the most. Incessantly, Facebook reminds us that it “cares” about us.
Now that you have decided to quit social media for a while, you are free to form your own memories and shape your mind according to your own values and desires.
Make a list of the most important dates that you would like to recall: birthdays, anniversaries, and meaningful occasions.
Journal about things you are thankful for and ways that God has answered prayer so that you can look back later and remember on your very own, precious memories.
#10. Choose Your Own Path
Social media gurus and online sales technicians are working overtime to direct your train of thought, your purchases, your thought patterns, your memories, and your mind.
As you choose to let go of your phone and the online world for a while, enjoy the freedom of choosing your own path. Think your own thoughts, ponder your own ideas, and interact with your own choice of people.
#11. Turn OFF Notifications
Consciously disable or pause notifications for text messages, WhatsApp, Instagram, FB for a chosen amount of hours. You can choose between 6-8 hours, not just 1-2 hours.
#12. Out of Love and Respect
Love and respect are the basics of marriage. Respect is an important sustaining force of any relationship and should be reciprocal.
Every partner interested in the happiness and longevity of their relationship should care enough to know when to unplug the phone.
Caution; sometimes you can’t turn everything off completely if you are the first responder to your spouse, children, or parents. You get the idea though, RIGHT?
The main point here is to be wise and to not allow the digital craze to creep in as a Satan and mess up your relationships.
Just placing a curfew on your devices, say after a certain time when everyone is home or in a safe place can be beneficial to your overall relationships.
As you put these tips into practice, you will discover a life that is infinitely richer and more beautiful than the life behind a screen could ever be.
You will likely come away refreshed and ready to engage the online world in a more intentional way.
If you enjoyed the detoxed lifestyle, you may even decide you don’t want to go back!
No matter what digital choices you make going forward, make sure to never stop enjoying new memories with your partner, looking into people’s eyes, and listening deeply to what they are saying.
Never forget to think your own thoughts and spend time with the Lord, one-on-one. He is the one who will help you make careful, intentional choices and live your life with purpose as you digitally detox your marriage.
Have you had a digital detox before? If so, how was it? Please leave your comments below. I’m sure someone will be blessed by your comments.
As always, I’m sending lots of love, positivity & blessings your way………..♥
